Wake Up To: Ice Cube v. Cards, Awful 7th Inning Stretches @ Wrigley

Stick to rap music Ice Cube, and while I’m on the subject, don’t ever come back to Wrigley, you’re not welcome. The iconic 7th inning stretch at Wrigley is unlike anything in the world, and you fucked it up HARD. Honestly, in a way, I’m impressed. It’s pretty hard to screw up that bad with how loud the crowd sings along. Anyways, your rendition was awful, but lets see how it stacks up to some HOF bad stretches:

1. Ozzy Osbourne, 2011: If you didn’t expect this, I don’t know how you’re not in a mental institution. Hell, I don’t know why Ozzy isn’t in a mental institution after this. Few things of note: A. He doesn’t even come remotely close to the words. You’d think they’d ask ‘hey Ozzy, do you know the words to the stretch?’ and project the words as he’s not even from this country, but that would make too much sense. B. He’s head banging like he’s doing a great job. Look over the edge Ozzy, see the players shooting you death stares? Yeah, that doesn’t happen very often. C. Sharon actually knows the words, so I don’t know why she didn’t just say fuck it and just steal that shit right quick. D. I’m all for a couple beers at a ballgame, but how many did the Cubs give him? 15?…. with Xanex?


2. Mike Ditka, 1998: *slams head though wall repeatedly* I mean, I don’t know what y’all really expected from Da Coach. He’s a yeller… yeah that’s pretty much it. Poor Gary Pressy, trying to keep up with this 5x sped up rendition, lotta credit’s gotta be given to him for limiting the damage on this one. Also, what the fuck is that shirt, it looks like the referees union did a collab with some preppy polo company and then said fuck it and discontinued the line thinking nobody in their right mind would buy such a thing.

3. Jeff Gordon, 2005: …And now I fucking hate Jeff Gordon. “Wrigley Stadium”… yeah, definitely, that’s what it’s called. It’s not like it’s the most iconic ballpark in all of Baseball… nah. I’m also not sure if Jeff had ever gone to a game before this as he mumbled maybe 10% of the easiest song in sports. Stick to driving cars in a circle Jeff, it’s now been confirmed your brain is only programmed to do one thing.

4. Denise Richards, 2009: I don’t know if it’s pathetic that I don’t even know who this bitch is, but I’m glad this is the first time I’ve acknowledged her existence. One could argue this is singing, but to me, it sounds more like a ‘valley girl’ yelling into a mic. It’s also pretty obvious she’s reading straight from a piece of paper, which, again, if you’ve ever been to a baseball game, is laughable as its the easiest sing-along song ever.

5. Ice Cube, 2017: This spot is pretty arguable as there’s been some pretty bad ones, but I think the mix of Ice Cube tryna sound like he’s organizing a mob in Compton while also singing a beloved song from the national pastime takes the cake. I’m convinced he sounds like this 24/7 so it’s not his fault, but it’s actually scary seeing him violently sing the stretch. Jim Deshaies face says it all.

I could do best stretch renditions, but that’s boring as everyone’s seen the Bill Murray, Eddie Vedder, Ron Santo, and Harry Caray videos. So I’ll just leave ya with this… yeah this really happened. Hey Donnie, when it says [HOME TEAM] on the piece of paper they give ya, you’re supposed to insert the team who’s stadium you’re at, crazy right?

Until tomorrow.


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