Daily Blog #8: WAY too early Bears Preview/Prediction

DA BEARS really suck.

I realize it’s way too early to be writing about the Bears in any capacity, but I’m starting to wonder if doing daily blogs was a good idea. In addition to this blog, I’ll also be writing a preview/predictions blog before the first regular season game.

No matter how much I’m going to convince myself otherwise, which will happen as it’s happened for the last 10 years ish, the Bears are going to suck. At this point, I don’t quite know why they’re not pulling a 76ers: tanking, and then “trusting the process”. However, that fact is dependent upon the fact that the fanbase trusts the front office’s decision-making and plans for the future, which I certainly don’t with Ryan Pace + Co. Case in point, the 2017 draft. Eddie Jackson, Alabama, is an okay pick in the beginning of the 4th, but what the fuck are you doing trading up for a QB when 1. You just signed Mike Glennon for 3 years/$45 million with signing bonuses and 2. The QB you’re draftying has only started ONE FUCKING SEASON. Nobody is good enough to trade up for within the top 5, hell, the top 10, after one fucking season at the helm. Another thing, what/where are these fucking schools we’re drafting guys from? Ashland? North Carolina A&T? Kutztown? You’re telling me the Bears wasted their scouts’ time at these schools that are most likely in the middle of Bumblefuck, Nowhere? I guess anything’s better than that cocksucker Shea McClellin at 19. Here’s my breakdown at each position/position grouping:

Coaches

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Guess what, not that I expected it to, but the John Fox experiment didn’t work. The Bears are fucking hopeless, and unless they resurrect George Halas, they’re not going anywhere anytime soon. Everyone talks about how brilliant Vic Fangio is, and I guess he hasn’t really had anything to work with, but at the same time, there’ve been some games where his scheme gets melted for 400 in the air on 150 on the ground so pardon me if I’m still skeptical on the guy.

Offense

Quarterback

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As I explained before, I don’t know what the fuck the Bears are doing this year in terms of their QB situation. Mike Glennon threw 11 TOTAL PASSES in 2016 and Mitch Trubisky only started for one measly season at a mediocre UNC program. Thinking on it now, I probably shouldn’t bash UNC football as they beat Illinois senseless in our 2016 non-conference. As much as it seems like the opposite, I don’t have a problem with Trubisky, I just would’ve preferred not trading up/bargaining against ourselves. This situation reminds me a lot of the Rams with Case Keenum/Sam Bradford, as in my mind he’ll always be on that team, and Jared Goff in 2016. I’d bet any amount of money Glennon starts the season, loses 80-90% of the games, and then Mitch’ll get his shot in like Week 12 with the bears at like 1-10, give or take a game.

Running Back

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Absolutely, positively set. Jordan Howard is a fucking stud who’ll produce for years. Behind him, there’s Jeremy Langford and Ka’Deem Carey, who I’m not really sure have any particular talents, but really anything’s better than Michael Bush or any of the 2011 backs aside from Matt Forte (if you really need reminding, that was the fateful trio of Armando Allen, Kahlil Bell, and that dumbfuck Marion Barber who ran out of time instead of staying inbounds v. the Broncos, yes I remember that). Provided the O-line doesn’t lose 3-4 starters, I see Howard poised for AT LEAST 1,500 rushing yards this season as he’s the only consistent, reliable option offensively

Wide Receiver

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Who the fuck are these old motherfuckers we’re signing? I have a pretty good idea who Victor Cruz is, but his legs are 90% artificial at this point. Kendall Wright, Markus Wheaton, and Rueben Randle: I’ve heard all the names but I guess the question remains, why are the Bears slowly becoming the island of old, misfit receivers? The fact that Kevin White, who I’m pretty sure has sat out more games than ones he’s actually played in, is starting scares the living shit out of me. It’s truly pathetic that the Bears can’t attract some FA talent to their major market city and that Cameron Meredith from a fucking FCS program is our #1 option.

Tight End

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I’m still mad about the Bears trading away Greg Olsen for only a 3rd round draft pick (basically nothing), which we then used to get Brandon Hardin from Oregon State. Never heard of him? Yeah me neither, he hasn’t played since he was on the Jets practice squad in 2014. Go fuck yourself Phil Emery. Zach Miller, while far and away the most consistent offensive aerial threat, is 32 and has broken (almost) every bone in his body. While I hope it doesn’t happen, odds are Miller gets hurt around Week 7/8 and then the Bears implode with whatever randos at TE.

Offensive Line

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Charles Leno Jr. (LT) is no J’Marcus Webb, Josh Sitton (LG), while an ex-Packer, is a perennial Pro Bowler, Cody Whitehair (C) has a bright future after his surprisingly sturdy his first season under center, Kyle Long (RG) is a fucking truck, and Bobby Massie (RT) is also sturdy barring injury. Being completely honest, aside from Whitehairs replacement at Center, Hroniss Grasu, I’ve never heard of any of the backups. Knowing the Bears, I assume they’re garbage so let’s hope the O-line stays healthy this season.

Defense

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Defensive Line

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I’m no Coach O, but I feel like, for the most part, serviceable D-line guys are a dime a dozen, especially Nose Tackles, who are just fat dudes (not really but it seems that way). Even still, the trio of Hicks-Goldman-Bullard/Unrein seems like, at least on paper, it could get some pressure on the QB.

Linebacker

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I may be wrong, but I feel like this year, the Bears have a wealth of young talent at Linebacker. Pernell McPhee (OLB), Nick Kwiatkoski (ILB, Danny Trevathan still injured what a surprise), Jerrell Freeman (ILB), and Leonard Floyd (probably)/Willie Young/Lemarr Houston (OLB). Hopefully this year the team can actually put some pressure on opposing QB’s, but I’m obviously not setting my hopes super high.

Cornerback

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I’m pretty sure Prince Amukamara isn’t awful? I know he was on one of the Giants teams that won the Super Bowl, but I have no idea what he did, if anything. Kyle Fuller just got his fifth-year option declined which is no doubt a confidence booster. 2016 was an absolutely awful year for Bears corners. I’m pretty confident the corners were the group I yelled at the TV most, which isn’t surprising in the least. Hopefully the new acquisitions can actually do something as I’m sure someone will get hurt

Safety

(Mostly referencing above clip, skip to 3:54) Anything is better than Chris Conte. You could put a trash can out in the backfield and it could probably do a better job surveying the receivers than that brain dead sack of flesh. I have faith in the Demps-Amos pairing, the thing is, Demps is going into his 11th season. Unless you’re actually blind, you know the Bears have had severe injury problems lately. I’m not saying Quintin’s an old man, but football isn’t an old man’s game on defense, unless you’re James Harrison, who I’m convinced could play until he dies.

Danneyball 7-0 beating @vinnywill98 and I gave @goldenb0y21 @spoonjones56

A post shared by James Harrison (@jhharrison92) on

Special Teams

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Kicker

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Connor Barth isn’t complete garbage. In my stupid, gullible, die-hard Bears brain, I’ve thoroughly convinced myself a (let’s be real, less than) 50% Robbie Gould is far and away a better kicking option. 18/23 isn’t the end of the world, but I have no faith in Connor outside of 35 yards. The dude missed a field goal within 29 yards, which, while I think I’d be garbage, is a range I could actually make a field goal.

Punter

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I have no idea if 35% inside the 20 is good, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s not. Pat O’Donnell is the guy, but I don’t see the harm in signing some rando young punter who can just bomb it, at least for camp. Or, coax a yolked Steve Weatherford, who at this point has gotta be like 45, out of retirement. I don’t know if he could drop kick leather while a bunch of grown men run at him, but he went to Illinois, so pulling a LeBron and having him “come home” could be an idea just from a publicity standpoint.

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Overall, the Bears are a clusterfuck. I have no idea how many ‘W’s’ we’ll get but I’m almost certain it’ll be below whatever I predict if I do it four months out (now) so I’m just going to wait until after the pre-season. Just showing a gauge of my thoughts right now, if the Bears played the Browns all 16 weeks, I don’t think they’d win more than 5/16 games. Optimism is overrated.

Until tomorrow.

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