I’m not going to be one of these guys who hypes himself as this all-knowledgable NBA prospect/draft guy. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve never seen Markelle Fultz play in real-time, and I actually kinda respect the hustle of Lavar Ball and his Big Baller Brand. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what I think. Everyone in the fucking world that knows literally anything about the NBA knows who’s going top five. Unless you live on the moon, those five are: Markelle Fultz, Lonzo Ball, De’Aaron Fox, Josh Jackson, and Jayson Tatum. Unless you’re an ESPN junkie who hangs on every stupid word Steven A. Smith says, why does it even matter? Barring the Lord & Savior Jesus Christ personally declaring for the draft, nothing can save 4/5 of the teams in the top five from another dumpster fire of a season.
1. Philadelphia 76ers – Markelle Fultz, PG, Washington
If the 76ers don’t select Markelle Fultz with the 1st pick, they’re fucking idiots. Like seriously why would you trade up two spots to get someone other than Fultz as they’d most likely still be there *cough* Bears *cough* Mitch Trubisky *cough*.
2. Los Angeles Lakers – Lonzo Ball, PG, UCLA
I don’t know how Magic can possibly screw this up. After trading D’Angelo Russell to the Nets and with the departure of the legendary “Swaggy P” (Nick Young), the Lakers have to draft a point guard. No, seriously, I don’t think you fully understand their situation. Their only other options now are Jordan Clarkson, uh no thanks, and Tyler Ennis, a player who, in my mind, will forever be on Syracuse for some reason. Lonzo (Lavar) > scrubs.
3. Boston Celtics – Jayson Tatum, SF, Duke
Jayson Tatum is the definition of a Duke athlete. Top five overall prospect in his class (#3), 6’8″, 205lbs (up 30 pounds from his HS weight), and a 7’0″ wingspan. Danny Ainge mentioned that his #1 pick would still be available at #3, which isn’t really saying much, as pretty much anyone is a step up from Jae Crowder at SF.
4. Phoenix Suns – De’Aaron Fox, PG, Kentucky
I am hoping and praying that De’Aaron Fox gets drafted by the Lakers at 2for a variety of reasons. 1. Lonzo’s face when he realizes he’s gotta go play in the middle of the desert, 2. Lavar’s face when he realizes Lonzo’s gotta go play in the middle of the desert, 3. LiAngelo and LaMelo’s faces when they realize Lonzo’s gotta go play in the middle of the desert. No matter what happens, I’m looking forward to their random as fuck rivalry that literally came out of nowhere.
5. Sacramento Kings – Josh Jackson, SF, Kansas
Name one player on the Sacramento Kings… I’ll wait… oh thats right, nobody fucking knows. Ever wonder where Ty Lawson now? Yeah, the Kings. Saying Josh Jackson will help the Kings is an understatement as literally ANYTHING is better than their starting five which includes players who’s names you’ve heard (maybe) once like Darren Collison and Kosta Koufos, who, unlike his name suggests, is not foreign (he’s actually from Ohio).
The Motherfucking Bulls
You thought wrong if you thought I was going to go a full blog without ranting about the clusterfuck that is the Bulls front office, in particular Gar Forman and John Paxson. Honestly, this draft is loaded, so there’s no way they can fuck it up, right? Wrong. This is the dynamic duo, Gar/Pax we’re talking about here, who’s specialties include signing washed up players, in particular big men, handing out contracts to players who don’t deserve them that make literally no sense (e.g. Derrick Rose contract, Dwyane Wade contract, Rajon Rondo contact), having no idea how to put together a roster that can win more than 50 games, and possessing no knowledge whatsoever on how to draft players who actually fill the many needs the Bulls have. Let’s analyze the Bulls draft history over the last five years:
- Marquis Teague – D-League, Bulls avg/game: 2.3 points, 1 rebound, 1.4 assists.
- Tony Snell – Bucks, Bulls avg/game: 5.3 points, 2.4 rebounds, 1 assist.
- Eric Murphy – French LNB Pro A, Bulls avg/game: .3 points, .3 rebounds, .1 assists
- Jusef Nurkic – Trail Blazers, Traded for DOUG FUCKING MCDERMOTT
- Gary Harris – Nuggets, Also traded for DOUG FUCKING MCDERMOTT
- Cameron Bairstow – Australian NBL, Bulls avg/game: 1.2 points, 1 rebound, .2 assists
- Bobby Portis – Bulls (surprisingly), Bulls avg/game: 6.9 points, 5 rebounds, .7 assists
- Denzel Valentine – Bulls, Bulls avg/game: 5.1 points, 2.6 rebounds, 1.1 assists
- Paul Zipser – Bulls, Bulls avg/game: 5.5 points, 2.8 rebounds, .8 assists
So now that we’ve established the fact that the last five years’ draft classes have been filled with complete and utter failures, lets move onto predictions for the 2017 pick. Barring a trade, the Bulls draft at #16. I honestly don’t know what trade assets anyone would want from the Bulls aside from Jimmy Butler, but the Bulls really need help in pretty much all areas of the game of basketball. The one exception is weirdly rebounding, which doesn’t really make sense as our big men are all-around pretty awful. There are a variety of players who could be good options, for example: Luke Kennard, SG, Duke, kids’ an absolute stud, 19.5 ppg, 43% 3pt, etc. etc. Other good picks could include Bam Adebayo, PF, Kentucky, and Jarrett Allen PF/C, Texas. If the Bulls pick any of these players, I’ll be over the moon. However, what’s more likely to happen is Gar/Pax ending up drafting one of these players: Terrence Ferguson, SG, AUSTRALIA. Side note, how many ACTUALLY GOOD, AMERICAN, players can you name that chose to play in Australia v. College… mhm, zero. Kids’ also a fucking rail at 6’7″, 185. Another bad pick that I’ll probably get heat for is UNC’s SF Justin Jackson. I couldn’t give a single shit about the fact that he’s a national champ, in my eyes, he’s literally a taller, thinner version of Denzel Valentine, and look how well that experiment worked out.